Sunday, February 9, 2014

I just can't today. And it's OK.

Art by Paula Tamara Hoss xx
Sometimes I feel like I just can't. Sorry work. Sorry family. Sorry friends and dishes and brushing my teeth. I just can't today.

We live in a crazy world. We are overbooked and overstimulated. Overwhelmed and overworked. When we do catch a moment for ourselves like a butterfly in our net of desperation (lyrical!), it's usually spent on the toilet or those blissful moments before passing out of sheer exhaustion. I say we, and not I, because I can't be the only one who feels this way. Right?! And this state is not reserved for mothers of small children. I have my three only half the week, and this feeling of I'm doing too much and I can't catch up is pretty much a standard part of my life.

Now, I've hit a bit of a wall. I have a tendency to push myself and push myself. And then push myself some more. Until I hit said wall and I just can't. I'm an emotional person. To a fault at times. Sometimes all it takes is the smallest, inconsequential (to you maybe), thing and I... I melt the f*** down.

I'm pretty sure we've all experienced this at one point or another. Your boss asks you to stay late. No big deal right? Except you've stayed late all week, your house is disgusting, you have 3 huge bills due this week, and your dog is sick. Might even need surgery. Instead of muttering under your breath and nodding your head in acquiescence like you have every other day this week, or month, or year, you FLIP. YOUR. SHIT. Maybe you yell 'I quit' and slam your door on the way out. Proceed to hole up in your apartment with old Law and Order (SVU, obvs) marathons and several different versions of the same salty snack. I go for salt and vinegar Cape Cod chips.

Maybe your husband has let the dishes sit for two days. And the trash. All the while your running
around taking Suzie to ballet, Mollie has drama in an hour, and Bobby just had an accident. You have
spit up in your hair (which you haven't had a chance to wash in a couple (?) days). You just remembered you have no milk. So, what happens? You FLIP. YOUR. SHIT. Different circumstances, same story. You're doing too much, not because you're a perfectionist, or even a particularly hard worker, but simply because you have too. There is no one else to do it. Such is life, and sometimes life sucks.

Listen up ladies, this is the important part, I'm here to say it's OK. We're allowed to feel these things. We're allowed to get overwhelmed, angry, emotional. It's ok to say, I can't with this today. While I'm the first to admit that my tendency to be a bit extreme in these situations is not the best way to handle them, that's me. And that's ok. I can't just quit my life, but I can take a time out. Life is hard. We work even harder. It's ok to say no to the birthday party, the overtime, the dinner with friends. When you can't, you can't.

I guess you're probably thinking, this chick needs to get her life together. If she had it together in the first place she wouldn't NEED to 'flip her cuss word'. Well, yeah. Working things out before they come to a head and you are forced into epic explosion is obviously the way we are supposed to deal with things. I agree 100%. But I'm here to say, it just doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes we don't even realize we were stuffing something until it's too late, and we are going all Vesuvius on someone.

Perfect people don't exist. And those almost-perfect people? BOR-ING. Real life is messy. It's complicated, overwhelming, and sometimes so unbelievably beautiful that it actually hurts. I sat down to write this because I had to work it out for myself. I hit the wall real hard today. Like, a head on, probably broke my nose type of hit. I've been working so hard (which is such a crazy amazing blessing, please don't misconstrue my words as being ungrateful for everything The Lord is doing in my life) that I haven't taken any time to 'check in with myself'. It's pretty clear your overwhelmed when you don't have any idea how your feeling, simply because you haven't stopped long enough to find out.

I'm sure you're wondering what sent me headlong into that wall, but I'm not quite ready to go public with that one. I just can't. And guess what? That's OK. I'm allowed to feel that way. I'm not talking forever, but I needed to sit here and write this today, to be alone, to check in with myself. And guess what else? I actually feel better.

Sometimes hitting the wall does that for a girl.

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  1. Such a great, truthful, post! Don't get too down on yourself, no one ever has it together all the time.